Wednesday, April 1, 2009

The Metrolover's Lament

Let me start by saying that the electricity has been cut off in my apartment and I am literally writing to you by the light of my computer. How incredibly Medieval. 

Today I'd like to address a highly controversial topic (now there's a shocker). But I feel it must be discussed  because my lady friends and I have experienced it far too many times in our environment.

We are theater majors, in New York City. 
I think you may know where I'm going with this.
But if you don't, I will be discussing the The Closet Case vs. The Metrosexual.

Now this,  my friends, is a tricky one.
With the continual blur of the gender roles, men have taken on more and more "feminine" characteristics. They get their eyebrows threaded at the same salon as I do. They highlight their hair with a frequency I can only admire. They wax the majority of their bodies and put together well thought out ensembles for a night on the town. 
And often times... they're hot. 

From my observation its nearly impossible to be in theater in New York and not be sexually attracted to metrosexuals. Now I'm sure there are exceptions, and a lot of the guys I think are hot are not metrosexuals. But these metroloving girls are prevalent enough that I feel they need a name. I am totally open to suggestions, but for now, I'm gonna go with Metrolover
Metrolover: n' A woman is sexually attracted to the commercial metro sexual. 

With being a Metrolover comes an inevitable struggle that lies in the underlying fear of every hookup and relationship: What if he's gay. Oh my God, What. If. He's. Gay. 
Because, not all of the time, but sometimes... he is. Sometimes he comes out of the closet. Other times he doesn't. But when it happens, we know. We always know. 

Which brings me to our next vocab word:
The Pro-Mo-Sexual: n' A female who is sexually attracted to gay men, or, Pro hoMo Sexuals. 
(not bad for being put on the spot, eh?)
These women have it rough. They see a guy on the street and think "wow, he's so hot," and 9 times out of 10, the hot guy's on his way to meet another hot guy for a good romp in the sack. But it's so not their fault. After all, they can't help it if the streets of New York are flooded with handsome men who are uninterested in our anatomy.

There's one more kind and then I'm done. The woman who is a magnet for the closeted gay men. They just flock to her like them 5th Avenue pigeons to a bagel. 
The Bearded Lady. Harsh, I know, but since I've had plenty of practice being her, I feel somewhat entitled. A wise professor told me recently that Bearded Ladies are often strong women who straight guys may be afraid to approach. Great. Another benefit of being outspoken. Fantastic. 

So who has it worse? The Metrolover, the ProMoSexual or the Bearded Lady? They've all got it pretty rough. And trust me. It is possible to be all of them. I would know. 

Now to all my men (yeah, because so many of them are reading the women's files but whatever, it's worth a shot):
Metrosexual or not, if you are straight- and I mean really and truly no doubt in your mind straight, PLEASE let us know. Wave it like a proud banner. Get a little sticker that says "Hello, my name is: I'M STRAIGHT" 
And if you're still figuring things out that's TOTALLY cool. Take all the time you need. Just don't involve me. A Bearded Lady's got feelings too.
I think both parties will benefit.


  1. You should check out a blog that is written by 2 friends of mine - That just wrote a few entries about gays and people being in the closet.

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  3. Great post!!

    What's a girl to do when her colorful outfits and loudmouthed quips attract the 'mos world-round...
    It makes me super paranoid and highly suspicious- I think everyone's gay.

    What I decided is, if I THINK he's gay, then it doesn't actually matter if he is or not, it means I'm not attracted. Right? Good plan.

    Olivia, from

  4. I think everyone's gay too! Clearly an overcompensation of some closet-cased induced trauma but none the less annoying. I'm gonna have to subscribe to your plan though. If I think he's gay, he will immediately be categorized into my Platonic Pile along with flannel pajamas and sex and the city DVDs.

  5. haha this is amazing...i'm such a MetroLover it's not even funny (i mean really, it's not funny anymore...) and it's getting so hard to figure out if a guy is or isn't!! i agree with the idea of the would make my life a lot easier!! :)