Saturday, October 3, 2009

Hello, my name is...[Gay/Straight/Bi: Circle ONE]

The more I read about female sexuality in other cultures the more I begin to question own our own culture's views. In the Westerner's view of female sexuality, you are either straight, lesbian, or bi. If you're a lesbian it means you can't want men, and if you're straight it means you can't want women. Those are some pretty rigid rules.

The term bisexual is a little more flexible, but even that word has some boundaries. It implies that you're attracted to both genders equally and that at any given moment you could ditch one for the other.

The problem with this mindset is that it totally constricts us- forcing us to block thoughts from our heads even before we've had them. As a "straight" woman, I wonder how many lesbionic inclinations I might have had before now had I not been raised to think I could only be gay straight  or bi. I say "inclinations" because they are not full blown female-on-female eroticisms, they're just inclinations. For example, today I was watching the Ellen Degeneres and noticed (after over-coming my social censor) that I was attracted to her in this particular episode. Her pants-suit and masculine haircut made her appear very androgynous and it was... kind of hot.

Now does this make me a full-fledged lesbian? Absolutely not. Love me some men. Does this make me bisexual? It's pretty safe to say no. I highly doubt I would be attracted enough towards a woman to partake in some good ol' fashioned lady sex. 
However when I overlook society's rigid categories and am extremely honest with myself, I can acknowledge that there are plenty of times when I feel a certain attraction towards a woman. I'm not sayin I want their face between my legs, but maybe I wouldn't mind kissing one. And sometimes the attraction isn't physical at all, sometimes, it's simply romantic. Someitimes I don't even want to be kissed, just nurtured in a way most men aren't comfortable with.

Even as I type this it feels taboo. Part of me is even a little tentative to post this because I don't want people to categorize me as bi. Not because there's anything wrong with being bi, just because I really don't think I am.

Despite my previous efforts, I am sexually attracted to men. And even when I find myself unexpectedly attracted to women it is nowhwere near the level to which I can be physically attracted to a man. But to ignore that feeling, however slight, might mean ignoring a beautiful part of my humanity, just because Western society has told me to. And as a twenty-year-old woman living in a rough city, I should probably take every chance I can get to connect with humanity.

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